The Cyclists Haggadah

(As written by Evan Parks of NYC on The Cycling Forum :

All who are in need of spring training, come and ride with us.
All who are hungry, come and partake of our carbohydrate-laden treats.
[The bottle of cytomax is held up and the blessing is recited:]
Blessed are You, our G-d, Universal Ruling Presence, who has created the
fruit of the laboratory.
The youngest rider asks:
1. On all other rides, we eat all kinds of bars. On this ride, why do we
only eat hard, unleavened Power Bars?
2. On all other rides, we might consume a wide range of fruits. On this
ride, why do we eat bananas?
3. On all other rides, we might not dip our bananas even once in our gu.
On this ride, why do we dip our bananas twice?
4. On all other rides, we ride sitting up straight. On this ride, why do
we ride in a reclining position on recumbents?
The answer my children, may be found in the story of Passover.
This is the power bar of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400
years ago.
Many years ago, we were slaves to our automobiles, driving hither and
thither, not knowing that a better way existed. If the Holy One, blessed be
He, had not shown us the way of the bicycle, then we, our children and
our children’s children would have remained enslaved to motor vehicle. Even
if all of us were wise, all of us understanding, all of us knowing the book
of Effective Cycling, we would still be obligated to discuss the liberation
through cycling; and everyone who discusses this liberation at length is
praiseworthy.
There are four types of children who ask questions on this ride: the
wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask.
– What does the wise one ask? I don’t know; I couldn’t understand him
either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
– What does the bad one ask? He says, “What is this ride to you?”
Because he excludes himself from the community of cyclists, you must exclude him from your ride, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and a half for working on a holiday.
– What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, “What is this?” You will
say to him, “This is a bike ride.”
– As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake
him up and say, “Next year, come to the bike ride on time!”
These are the Ten Plagues which the Holy One, blessed be He, brought
upon the motorists, namely as follows:
[When saying the ten plagues, spill a drop of cytomax from the sports
bottle itself ten times for each plague:]
High gas prices
Congestion
Registration fees
Pollution
Pot holes
Expensive parking
Speeding tickets
Sedendary lifestyle
Obesity
First-born getting a driver’s licence
How many levels of favors has the Eternal One bestowed upon us?
If we would be wearing padded bike shorts, but not have clipless pedals,
it would have been enough.
If we would have clipless pedals, but not at least Shimano 105
components, it would have been enough.
If we would be equipped with at least Shimano 105 components, but not a
delicious post-ride dinner, it would have been enough.
If we would been served a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would have been enough.
If we would eaten dessert, but not have a hangover from too much carousing, it would have been enough.
(Pick up the cytomax and say:) Thus how much more so should we be
grateful to the Eternal One for the doubled and redoubled goodness that He has bestowed upon us! We do wear padded bike shorts, we do have clipless pedals, and we do have at least Shimano 105 components (and some of us have Ultegra and even Campy Chorus, and many other wonders), and we did eat a delicious post-ride dinner, and we did get dessert, and now we pray that we do not get a hangover from too much carousing — let us say, Amen!
Thus it is our duty to thank, to laud, to praise, to glorify, to exalt,
to adore, to bless, to elevate and to honor the One who did all these
miracles for cyclists before us and for us. He took us from car-driving slavery
to bicycling freedom, from steel-caged enclosed sorrow to the open road of
joy, and from bondage to redemption.
Blessed are You, our G-d, Universal Ruling Presence, who has redeemed us
and redeemed our ancestors, and enabled us on this ride to eat power bars
and bananas. So too, G-d, our G-d and G-d of our ancestors, enable us to
attain other rides and cycling events that will come to us in peace with
happiness, and with rejoicing in Your service.
This year we watch the Tour De France in the living room, next year may
we see it in person!

(Thanks… or something… to my father in law for forwarding this to me.)