Author: Dave Shevett

Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this candidate what I supported not half an hour ago from this very website!
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, Howard Dean…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with em?
Mr. Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead candiate when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable candidate, the Vermont Governor, idn’it, ay? Beautiful issues!
Mr. Praline: The issues don’t enter into it. E’s stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Howie! I’ve got a lovely televised debate for ye!
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn’t, that was you re-running an old tape!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO HOWIE!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(Takes Howard out and shows him Bush’s latest budget proposals. Howard just sits there)
Mr. Praline: Now that’s what I call a dead candiate.
Owner: No, no…..No, ‘e’s stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! Liberal Democrats stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That candidate is definitely deceased, and when I donated to him not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk in Iowa.
Owner: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ’ for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?
Owner: The Liberal Democrat prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable bird, id’nit, squire? Lovely issues!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that candidate when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its stump in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.
Owner: Well, o’course he was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that fellow down, it would have nuzzled up to those constituents, bent ’em with ‘is bare hands, and VOOM! Off to join the independents!
Mr. Praline: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this candidate wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million grass roots dollars through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!
Owner: No no! ‘E’s pining!
Mr. Praline: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This candidate is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to ‘is stump ‘e’d be home by the fire by now! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-CANDIDATE!!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of liberal democrats.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got John Kerry.
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it appeal to the young grass roots constituency?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Apologies to John Cleese and the rest of the Python team. 🙂